Help! My daughter’s boyfriend is a deadbeat

Your daughter’s boyfriend, according to her, is absolutely perfect; he is attractive, has an edgy personality, and oozes charm. And for the most part, he treats her well. Despite her idealistic attitude toward him, you are troubled by his lack of motivation and what that could imply for their relationship in the long term. Most parent’s initial reaction is to criticize their daughter or continually berate her boyfriend. Rather than lash out this way, there are steps you can take to either get him motivated or have her realize he may not be the best match for her without being hurtful and have both of them on the defensive.

If your daughter is happy, she will not see his shortcomings. Even if she does, she will simply overlook them or make excuses. Many parents think that yelling will somehow convince their child to come to a realization about a boyfriend. This rarely works and can actually work against you by causing friction in your own relationship with her. If you feel the urge to complain around your daughter’s boyfriend, take a deep breath, smile, and stay silent. Sometimes what is not said is more powerful than what is.

Instead of telling her how you feel through negative comments, try to have a heart to heart conversation with her about him. Be honest without being sarcastic or disparaging and listen to her reasoning, too. If she is still a teenager, encourage her to enjoy her youth and not become involved in something serious. Find ways to limit the time she spends with her boyfriend and have her focus on schoolwork, hobbies, and friends. If she is older, remind her that any relationship consists of two individuals who bring something to the proverbial table. When one of the persons involved lacks drive, the relationship will always suffer from imbalances and consequently be prone to arguments and tension.

Spend as much time with her as possible in order to divert her attention away from the boyfriend. Not only do you distract her from the issue at hand, you strengthen your bond through shared activities and conversation. Slowly allow trust to build between the two of you so that your daughter is able to at least respect your opinion and make an informed decision. She will soon realize that you are only looking out for her best interest.

All mothers want stable, healthy, supportive relationships for their daughters, but many times, girls need to experience these less than optimal relationships in order to learn what a partnership truly is. To some extent, you need to let your daughter arrive at her own conclusions, because at the end of the day, it is her life. But if your daughter’s boyfriend presents even the most minimal threat to her future, there are ways to intervene without either taking notice. Most importantly, if you teach your daughter to be ambitious, goal oriented, and motivated from a young age, she will eventually see the writing on the wall, leave the relationship, and seek out a more compatible match on her own.