Kids behaving badly: When to know if its a cry for attention
Whether a child is age 3 or 13, the root of their behavior is basically the same: parental approval. While some behaviors appear to be…
FILE PHOTO: Parents often ask themselves this question: When is bad behavior just a cry for attention from their child? Knowing the difference and knowing how to act is the important part. (Photo by Chris Jackson/Getty Images)
Whether a child is age 3 or 13, the root of their behavior is basically the same: parental approval. While some behaviors appear to be aimed at getting mom or dads attention, others at times may seem as nothing more than just simply misbehaving.
So how is a parent supposed to know which is which?
Quite honestly, I think one of the interesting things is, its kind of a trick question most everything kids do is looking for attention, Mayo Clinic Health System Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Meg Stump told VOXXI. In other words, theyre looking for attention when theyre doing good stuff and theyre looking for attention when theyre misbehaving. Its all equally looking for attention.
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Naturally, kids are hardwired to have a relationship with their parents, who in turn as adults are hardwired with a survival instinct to give the squeaky wheel the oil. Part of the latter situation often involves children being more assertive and taking steps towards self-identity.
When is a child seeking attention or just acting out?
Essentially, kids of all ages seek the approval acknowledgement, whether its through positive or negative behavior.
Heres the problem, its a lot easier for parents to notice and to pay attention to those annoying things, Stump said. If the level of annoying feedback gets super high, the kids make this equation, which sort of says, I absolutely need my parents attention and it seems to be easier to get it when Im kicking the cat and pulling my sisters hair than it is when Im quietly playing.
Considering they need more than anything that feedback and attention, they move towards that dark side of simply taking whatever attention they can get in a way they figured out they can get it the easiest.
What to do when your child is behaving badly
Stump provided a few dos and donts in regards to parents navigating their way through childrens behavior:
Dial down negative responses
Is your child behaving badly? You might want to reduce the number of lectures you’re dishing out.(Shutterstock)
It doesnt mean it makes it OK but if parents spend a lot of time yelling and lecturing, it becomes the equivalent of saying. Do that more, Stump said. Youre basically giving the kid cookies for the bad behavior. So what you have to do is say, Im not going to put a lot of energy into responding to this annoying behavior.
The power of time-out
Time-out doesn’t always have to feel like an all-out punishment for your child–it could serve as a moment to cool off and regroup their thoughts and think about their behavior. (Shutterstock)
Just like control-alt-delete for a computer, sometimes behavior and situations need a reset: Really that involves sitting quietly, taking a short break and then coming back into situations where now the parents can begin to notice positive behaviors, and turn away or not give energy to the kid doing annoying things, Stump said.
Good deeds rewarded
It can’t always be bad news for your child. If he did well, give him a reward. Maybe a bit of extra video game time or an activity he likes to do. (Shutterstock)
While parents often fixate on negative behavior, their attention has to balance out. Its almost like when we can speak out loud about our kids, we get to help them realize when theyre doing things good, Stump said. Its a way of paying attention. The last piece is really acknowledging when the kids are just there doing stuff. Wow, youre home, good to see you.
Use praise to your advantage
Make sure when you’re praising your children when there is a good logical reason for it, or else the will get mixed signals. (Shutterstock)
Being a parent is a lot like providing play-by-play of your childs behavior; however, approval has to be earned. Its enthusiastic support for their effort, Stump said. Praise is what happens when its over. Thats the trophy, and a lot of it isnt necessary. She added, And false praise doesnt really work. Kids can see through that. What we really want is that enthusiasm and that support of Go for it, you can do it, but not as focused on winning.
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