Stoned bunnies could become a crisis for Utah, warns the DEA

OPINION

Stoned bunnies and drunk squirrels oh no! According to an agent of the Drug Enforcement Administration, Utah may have an excess of inebriated furry animals running around if the medical marijuana bill is passed.

The bill in question allows patients with certain debilitating conditions to be treated with edible forms of marijuana such as gummies or lollypops. Sounds deadly I know.

SEE ALSO: Spark up to stay warm! Alaska becomes the third state to legalize marijuana

Special agent Matt Fairbanks fears the state’s wildlife may “cultivate a taste” for the plant, lose their fear of humans, and then somehow be high all the time, according to testimony presented to a Utah Senate panel (time stamp 58:00) last week.

Fairbanks, who deals in “facts” and “science”, is a member of the “marijuana eradication” team in Utah.

Just so you have an idea of how useful this team actually is, some of Fairbank’s colleagues in Georgia became famous recently after heavily armed drug cops raided an old man’s garden because they saw what looked like “suspicious looking plants” from a helicopter.

Turns out those plants were okra. Smooth move boys. Maybe next time they’ll swoop in on a group of elementary school kids and accuse them of underage drinking because they’re drinking cans of Arizona iced tea that look suspiciously like beer. Suspicious indeed.

Looks like this rabbit ate a bit too much okra if you know what I mean. (Shutterstock)

Targeting marijuana in Utah

Fairbanks has spent a fair amount of time (that he’s never getting back) eradicating back-country marijuana grows in the Utah mountains.

At some of these grow sites, he saw “rabbits that had cultivated a taste for the marijuana. One of them refused to leave us, and we took all the marijuana around him, but his natural instincts to run were somehow gone.”

Still not sure what’s so terrifying or bad about a high bunny. Is he going to grow fangs, jump up and eat me because the munchies got too bad? Will little cottontail drink all the water in Utah because his cottonmouth got too bad, leaving a state of drought in Utah? Will he become horny and go at it like…oh yeah…rabbits do that anyways.

But to Fairbanks, the danger to bunnies is only one negative side effect of legalizing medical marijuana. He insists that the environmental costs associated with large-scale weed cultivation on public land are too high and must be considered.

Marijuana growers in mountains in Utah are criticized by Fairbanks for harming the environment. (Shutterstock)

“Personally, I have seen entire mountainsides subjected to pesticides, harmful chemicals, deforestation and erosion. The ramifications to the flora, the animal life, the contaminated water, are still unknown.”

Yes because that doesn’t happen when any other crop is planted anywhere on Earth.

There are no harmful environmental consequences specific to growing marijuana. If corn were illegal and individuals began planting it on mountains where they’re not supposed to, the per-plant environmental toll would be about the same, according to the Washington Post.

Growers of backcountry marijuana only exist because marijuana is illegal in the first place. If it were made legal, then the growing could move to people’s farms or gardens rather than on remote mountainsides.

Back to the bunnies

While it’s true that some wild animals apparently do develop a taste for bud, I don’t see how the rare high rabbit is enough reason to continue prohibiting a plant that has the potential to do so much good for so many people.

While the new laws wouldn’t allow marijuana to be smoked, medical patients could still purchase marijuana-infused gummies. (Shutterstock)

SEE ALSO: Miami State Senator files bill to legalize recreational marijuana

Should we outlaw alcohol because a poor and innocent squirrel might end up drunk? And what about catnip? Bet you didn’t know there’s a nationwide epidemic of catnip abuse. You learn something new everyday.

Fortunately, the Utah Senate isn’t falling for Fairbank’s “convincing” argument. The bill for legalizing medical marijuana has been approved and sent to the full Senate where it will be debated later this week.

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